God in Hard Things

I cannot recount when I last wrote about God, or my authentic emotions for that matter. The past year has been a long bad season for me, and it has been brutally scary (for my heart) to be exposed to its own vulnerabilities and selfishness. Bad things didn't just happen on its own. I made bad choices I thought I could get away with. I made compromises that I thought wouldn't matter. I made all the decisions, but I blamed God.

I haven't realized that in so many things, I have been angry with Him. From missing bus rides, to failed relationships, to circumstances that lead me to spend less time with my dad -- things that are out of my control. I reasoned: if God is in control, then He must have planned or allowed these things to happen. I was angry because He's in control and He's not using it for my benefit (which we all know is a lie, He's done beyond-my-imagination amazing things that I had refused to acknowledge).

So now, I'm back to writing about Him. I'm not sure if I'll ever be back to the time where all I could talk about is Jesus and all His awesomeness, but I can't hold back on Him on this space. I started writing because there is so much to say about the goodness and faithfulness of my God, which I happened to forget along the way. Everything about me only speaks about the greatness of the One who created me. Things may not be going well for me... A storm may be raging through my heart and my mind, but God is still in control.

No, not the kind of in-control that bends to my desires, but the kind that takes the brokenness of man, and uses it for greater things. I do not know all things. I cannot control the decisions that other people make. But in the midst of free will and hard things, His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. He knows what He is doing.

I am trusting you, Jesus, even through the unseen motions and the storm inside. You have never let go of me, and I believe You are stronger than what I am going through. 

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